Today I start actual, physical work on my two attempts to get published by the Black Library and as such put myself on the list of people who can write for the Black Library if and when they want.

Despite my writing as of recently having flowed like a river of molasses-coated bricks on a completely level surface, and also there are hooks on the surface, and the surface has a lot of static cling, and it's on a high-gravity planet.

THIS IS ONLY A TRIFLE COMPLETELY INTIMIDATING.

Wish me luck.

I remain unsure how I feel about Clive Barker. This is okay, because I don't think anyone is going to run up to me on the street, hold me at gunpoint, and demand that I give them an honest assessment of my feelings on Clive Barker or they'll shoot. (Honestly, I'm unsure how well I'd do in that situation anyway, unless my feelings on Clive Barker boil down to "oh god please don't shoot me oh god oh god oh god (weeping, sound of the ruining of pants)".) I did, however, read The Hellbound Heart recently, out of a long-held intrigue in the movie Hellraiser - which I still haven't seen - and it solidified a couple of things for me. Primarily, that the very thing I liked about the concept of Hellraiser was the very thing that damned its sequels: that the "Bad Guys" didn't just not think of themselves as Bad Guys, but could back that up from their perspective. The Cenobites just think they're going with the deal as stated. "Dude said he wanted to spend the rest of eternity in a state of intense sensation unimagined by mortals. It's not OUR fault if any sensation taken to that extreme becomes indistinguishable from pain." And though it tries, I'm not sure an experience as in-the-moment as a movie can really do antagonists whose set of assumptions differs so strongly from our own that what they perceive as proper behaviour only ends up hurting us - the Cenobites certainly went pretty quickly to "KILL 'TIL YOU CAN'T KILL NO MORE". Even Mass Effect disappointed me on that score; the big speech from that one bad guy during that one sidequest about "YOU CANNOT HOPE TO UNDERSTAND MY MOTIVATIONS" mostly came across as "I'M CRAZY AND I LIKES KILLIN'!", which is similar but notably distinct.

Mass Effect certainly didn't rush too much, but even so, I wonder if you can make it happen in a video game. It would be fun to find out. Maybe I should run a Far Realm campaign on that note. Another benefit of a Far Realm campaign? Beholders.

(Words meme up next.)

Session 1

( Sometimes, The Autonomous Self-Replicating Robots In The Ruined City Are The Good Guys )

* * *
Session 2 and the actual NAME OF THE CITY (which we have so far been calling Tobedetermined), to come.

Okay, so. Me. 2010. Film school. Good idea, greatest idea, something I should be shot for even thinking, what?

Everyone should play Iji because the story and the gameplay are great and it's like Super Metroid meets System Shock 2 and you can go through the whole game without killing anyone (if you do a Very Clever thing in the last level, anyway) and the music is fan-bloody-tastic and I want to take Iji home and give her a blanket and a bowl of soup and reassure her that she doesn't have to fight any monsters or watch any horrible things happen any more.

That is, pacifist-run-Iji. I'm sure kill-everyone-run-Iji isn't nearly so nice.

(Yes, your character's personality changes the more enemies you kill. And not just in the cutscenes. The first downed enemy makes Iji say a tearful "I'm sorry!", whereas when the death count gets into the triple digits she'll start shouting "Die!" while shooting. And the notes you get from the enemies can be anything from "what the hell is the human anomaly doing, she's not on our side that's for sure but she doesn't seem to be killing anyone either", to "WE ARE IN A SLAUGHTERHOUSE WITH THE ANGEL OF DEATH, SHOOT ON SIGHT".)

Now I go play my D&D game.

So, my dreams last night continued on their path of exploring a new and unusual negative emotion - in this case, "frustration". Dream-me also went camping. While it was all unpleasant (yes, even the camping, why the hell did I have a full computer system and X-Box 360 in the tent anyway, it just led to more packing up afterwards), there were four redeeming points.

1) By the time I woke up, I'd apparently had enough other dreams (not that I remembered any of those) to uncurl from "angry little ball of hate".
2) The scenery was rather pretty.
3) Apparently I was playing a few games on and off on the 360, including something about vampires and Metal Gear Solid 4. (I know it's not out for the 360. Stay with me here. Dream.) As such, a warning screen when I loaded the console warned me of the percentage chance of Solid Snake becoming infected with vampirism, and recommended I download a patch to prevent it. ...I didn't. Part of me wanted to see what Vampire Snake would do to the plot.
4) Dream-me had the catchphrase "always a fuckin' bridesmaid, never a fuckin' bride", which to my mind is the perfect combination of cultured and obscene, and I intend to either keep this catchphrase for myself or give it to Samuel L. Jackson.

1567 words. That's all for tonight. Have a big old honking slab of worldbuilding.

( QUEEN NANAMI II RIDES A SHARK AND HAS GILLS )

Yes, I bet you can spot where I stole some names. There are five more Ordered Kingdoms to go; we haven't even touched on Heldengarten's lizard-riding border marshals or Mailedfist's "what do you mean Mad Max was a dystopia".

kadrin: Really no state is allowed to secede. There is no state that does not have awesome bits. You need to build an island off the coast of California and throw Rick Perry onto it.
twigcollins: We could build some sort of raft out of bargain bin DVD's and Scott Stapps ego
kadrin: Could we include Scott Stapp?
twigcollins: I still support the 'fire them into the sun' measure, personally
twigcollins: the cost/benefit analysis is still firmly in the red
kadrin: I dunno; where's the science to prove it won't make the sun emit homophobic photons?
twigcollins: good point.
twigcollins: the universe is composed of 48% homogay
twigcollins: god help us if we tip that balance

At the distance between my chair and my computer screen, if I don't focus start, I start reading the capitalised title "FAN ART" as "FAIL ART".

It's not even prophetic. The entry in question had very good fan art.

Definitely need new glasses.

Today I had a really good D&D session. I mean, really good, the kind of D&D session that you were really hoping for when you first picked up the books.

Excited by this, I came home and made some horrible, horrible things to subject my players to next session.

I can't say what they are in public, naturally, because any one of my players might be looking here. Spies are everywhere. Even there. Especially you. YES, YOU, rionaleonhart. YOUR BEING IN ENGLAND DOESN'T STOP MY KNOWING THAT YOU ARE SPYING ON ME FOR STEVE.

that said they're awesome.

PATRICK: I'm going to go donate blood.
SIOBHAN: What is donate blood?
PATRICK: I'm getting my blood taken out of me.
SIOBHAN: Why?
PATRICK: ...Not all of it.
SIOBHAN: Oh.

See you later when I'm properly exsanguinated.

Today I worked out the basic ideas for how to make my face-to-face D&D campaign hang together storywise and make a compelling throughline that nonetheless allows for the best of sidequests. In celebration, I went to the gym and did 100 reps on the low row machine, 30 on the abdominal crunch, and 50 on the chest press. Naturally this was preceded by a warm-up on the treadmill and followed by a cool-down on the exercise bike.

Following in the footsteps of Muscular Christianity, I proclaim myself a priest of Muscular Dorkiness.

SIOBHAN = 5

And I think that is pretty much all you need to know.

Today I have a lot of stuff to do.

Things to repeat over and over again: there are lots of reasons why Siobhan would be coughing and earachey and upset, to the point of a coughing fit waking her up in tears at 4 AM, and almost all of them are not H1N1.

If this is my karmic punishment for continually thinking that the scare was overstated and hyperbolised because the news media gets more watchers if they can sensationalise everything, then someone tell the Karma Temple that I'm sorry already, and also that it should be punishing ME, not my tiny adorable sister.

She is a poor little girl. I hope she gets much better very soon.

a secret...: sensationalised terror

Man, I am all kinds of not okay right now. I used to have essentially no complaints about my digestive system. Now it's decided "DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUN? TRYING TO DO THE OLD JOB A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY! LET'S START EXPERIMENTING!"

None of the variant digestive systems so far attempted is any good, but the worst of it is that as such, yesterday I didn't take my antidepressant. I haven't taken one today, either. And if I don't take my antidepressants for two days? IT'S HAPPY FUN WITHDRAWL TIME.

I'm about to try a slice of dry toast. If the entire continent of Australia spontaneously combusts and flies into space, you know what started this.

(Why am I telling you this? Well, if you don't see me around in a while, you needn't assume I'm hanging out with all the most brilliant people as we take a zeppelin to see all the finest sites in the world. Because I know you would.)

Sister is not a genius, but she's clever.

(about Sri Lanka) "I wonder what the people living there call it?"
(about her birthday) "Mummy told me the world is so big that every day is someone's birthday."
(during a shapes class) "I have a stripey top, but the stripes are really long rectangles."
(when questioned as to what a drawing she did depicted) "It's art."

Today I am going into the Mall, and then into the City - they are two separate stages, many kilometres apart - with a stack of resumes, a clean-shaven face (I know the beard is popular on the Internet but I hate it, the hair never grows properly on my lower lip), a natty smart-casual set of clothing, and the memorised addresses of several roleplaying supply shops. This is not because I think working in a roleplaying supply shop would be super-fantastic joy time (I am well aware that retail is retail), but because I will know my stuff. I was emboldened to perform this action by means of accidentally performing customer support recently, when a woman asked the attendant if he could help her find a Lord Drachis for her son, and I managed to work out that her son would enjoy a Lord Dante, Chapter Master of the Blood Angels, and that while there were none in stock (the shop in question dealt only with boxed sets, not blister packs) there were many other Blood Angels who would be suitable for a growing lad's collection of Space Marines. So there's all sorts of games by which I know my stuff and any number by which I'm willing to learn; there's nothing that tells you you can do something quite like having already done it. I predict that this anecdote will receive a great deal of lavish focus in any interview I get.

So, naturally, the washing machine decided to reward me for my hard work with BRAZEN TREACHERY, filling with water that would not drain away. My clothes are now drying on a CONSIDERABLY longer timer than was previously anticipated, and I will have to set off closer to lunchtime than brunchtime, coming back to the house I love more around dinner time, at which point the buses will be flooded with people. I predict a few minutes unpleasant bucket-hauling in the near future. Rest assured, my people, that many Bothans will die for having brought me this information.

What's to be said, while I await the action of the dryer, thus putting off shaving (until I can shower immediately afterwards), showering (until I can put on dry clothes immediately afterwards), and bucket-hauling (until I can... um... SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME)?

• Girlfriend was recently birthdayed. This is a good thing! Siobhan was interested, and spoke a great deal. Unfortunately you kind of need to be trained to understand Siobhan all the time.
  
• Meet The Spy. MEET HIM. In nano_moose's words, "That just leaves the Medic, which will surely finally disabuse everyone of the notion that he's the nicest member of the team, and the Pyro, which for my money will either confirm the Pyro as female or explain nothing." I'm looking forward to both: the Medic because the Medic is hilarious evil Nazi horribleness, and the Pyro because how are they going to do that? A female Pyro would be pretty awesome, given that, yes, it is currently an all-male cast, except for the fantastic Ellen McLain as the fantastic Announcer who less fantastically is never actually seen and mainly fulfills a narrative role. (There is an entry on TV Tropes stating that Men Are The Expendable Gender. Excuse me while I HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA LOL IN WHICH ALTERNATE UNIVERSE DO YOU LIVE?)
  
• An interesting comment on the always-interesting innerbrat's LJ (she's THINKATIVE and one of the smartest people on my friends list, go read her, she's pretty much bound to be more interesting than me) has made me rethink how I want to play that Shaman I want to play in some D&D 4E game in future. Being pointed to the construction really lets you warm up the deconstruction engines.
  
• Speaking of Team Fortress 2 and D&D 4E: the Medic and Engineer are Leader roles; the Scout, Spy, Sniper, and Pyro are Striker roles (with a hint of Controller in the latter case); the Soldier and Heavy are Defender roles; and the Demoman is a Controller, with help from a bit of the Engineer and a bit of the Pyro. This is what I have decided. You may go on living your lives, knowing that I have properly marked out class roles; I'm sure it was bothering you.
  
• Why should you read the Skulduggery Pleasant books, unless you are flidget_jerome, who I hear dislikes Stephanie (probably because Stephanie is hugely self-assured and elitist without quite as much cause as she thinks she has) and as such is not human? Because, written by a screenwriter, they are a white-knuckle rollercoaster thrill ride with fight scenes that actually materialise in your head when you read them. Because Landy is willing to go a long way for the payoff; there are Guns being fired in book 3 that were on the mantlepiece all the way back in book 1, and I'm sure there are more that are hanging around fully loaded and ready to go off any minute. Because the villains are distinguishable people with distinguishable motivations, which isn't something you often get when the common goal is "call world-ending abominations to end world". Because in the first book the twelve year old girl is as cool or cooler than the magic/pistol/fist-wielding skeleton detective-magician war veteran with a dark past. Because there are a lot of female characters, who are important, realistic, strong and at the same time flawed, and get to have swordfights with trolls on Westminster Bridge (side note: TANITH EEE). Because while one concession to unreality is that everyone's always quick with a quip, you don't mind because the dialogue is pretty awesome. Because China Sorrows is the most fantastic morally ambiguous information-trader collector symbol-mage with a dark past ever. Because it's set in Ireland, and it's very very set in Ireland. But, most of all, because I said so, and if you don't take all your cues for how to live your life from me by now then what's stopping you?
  
• Also, tell me what I should be reading and watching.

That said, I believe I have a date with a bucket. Sigh.

Area manchild Patrick Phelan today, having told himself not to go into the children's section of Dymocks because there would definitely not be a new Skulduggery Pleasant book out, was surprised by several copies of Skulduggery Pleasant: The Faceless Ones.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

IMMEDIATE ACTION IS REQUIRED.

You may ignore this message if you are not a fan of things that are INCREDIBLE.

Okay, so this is not the "waaaaah I'm a fuckup" post I was originally going to make, because a little time, a ltitle distance, and everything feels less testicle-punchingly immediate. But I have had a thought, and it's a thought that I feel is illuminating, so I'm going to write about it and you can't stop me. Nyeeeeeer. Try that one in your smokey-thing and smoke it.

Basically, it's that I see two options ahead of me in future. One of them is "succeeds in a creative field, and does so with sufficient aplomb to make Christopher Paolini look like... Christopher Paolini in a sane universe; as such runs odds approximately at 'win the Irish Sweepstakes eleventy billion times' levels" or "does not manage to do such, as such does not make enough money to pay for himself, as such dies in a cardboard box mourned by no one". I'm just saying, it would be nice to be able to see "doesn't quite manage to massively succeed at writing but makes quite a decent living as the owner of a pet store and is buried at the ripe old age of 97 surrounded by mildly grieving friends and well-wishers who then remember him fondly for many years".

The original whiny post I no longer need to say with clothes-rending drama, but I will say with mild self-deprecation. "I'm not sure which is more pathetic: aiming, as a major goal, at 'able to do what a normal person would do'; or failing at it."

Which just makes me think of that one review of the Riddler. Look out, world, here comes a guy just as tough as a normal guy only easier to catch.

That is me. I am the Riddler.

As such, if the next Batman movie is awesome, I will be taking all the credit.

4th Edition Herald - Exam Results
Status: Processed
Score: 90%
Required: 85%
Candidate: Patrick Phelan
Congratulations! You received a passing score on this exam, and you have been granted a new membership.

I DEMAND RESPECT

One of these days I'll actually make an entry.

For now; I have another ridiculously ambitious RP idea.

Girlfriend remains fantastic in every way.

Must have room clean by Saturday.

Need to tell you people about all kinds of multimedia and con-related experience.

My players are not allowed to play half-warforged half-doppelgangers, even if they call them "Terminators".

Siobhan and I made a pterodactyl.

So, one of Shinji's big moments at the end of Evangelion (not the End of Evangelion) is noting that there's not one monolithic Shinji Ikari, there's the Shinji Ikari he believes himself to be, and the Shinji Ikari that each individual person sees, and as such the folk who react to him aren't necessarily reacting to the Shinji that Shinji believes himself to be as there might be quite a gulf, and it's all very complicated but leads to applause, and then the fans hate it so Anno kills everyone ever.

Ahem. Moving on.

By that I mean, this is kind of a part of my philosophy and kind of not, and I often wonder about it, and I want to know myself. So, tell me who I am. Comments are screened so that individual answers won't bias other answers and so that you can say whatever you want with no consequences. To the latter end, anonymous commenting is also allowed.

I was already done with Amanda Marcotte. Now I am double-done with Amanda Marcotte. I used to think that I didn't like her because of some lingering traits of antifeminism in my soul. Now I realise that I don't like her because her head is lodged in her oesophagus.

Ugh. I was so sure that I wouldn't have any side-effects, given that I'm now acquainted with Efexor. But, no, this constant-sleepiness and low-grade sadness has got to be a drug reaction. I AM READY FOR IT TO BE OVER NOW.

Look. Hippos.

It is surely a mark of absurdist literature that I had to read that play about three times at varying stages of my life before I caught the symbolism of its most obvious level.

It is surely a mark of good literature that I was okay with that.

Answers to the questions coming, likely this evening! For now, I have to head off and once again do battle with the demons of Centrelink, who have used their Mislay Medical Certificate power.

(I should specify, as I often do, that whenever I actually talk to someone from Centrelink they've always been exceptionally helpful.)

Also, yes, I have my drugs and am once again sane.

I'm working on the music meme from a while back. Squeem gave me "N" for my second letter, and as any preschool textbook will tell you, "N" is for "Night Surgeon". This is a good thing.

Also, ( further chatlog adventures with Thorne. )

NO PRESCRIPTION DRUGS AND NO MONEY MAKE PATRICK GO CRAZY. Possibly literally. I certainly don't feel entirely stable. On the other hand, I've been given money to get my drugs today, and a quick shower has rendered me mostly stable enough to get them, so I should be wholly sane by tonight. Well, as sane as usual, anyway.

Ask me questions, would you? Suggested subjects are Spore (and why it came so close and then fell to little bitty pieces; or how making spaceships for it is kind of fun); Repo! the Genetic Opera; Warhammer Fantasy/40,000; the gym; and girlfriend (note: I am not an expert on girlfriend, and iapetusneume is probably better at it due to her many years in the field). But, you know, more specific than that. And I shall give you answers and we shall all be happy.

Seriously, my head's all numb and spinny and I can't focus and I'm both thirsty and this close to vomiting. MY BRAIN HAS HOLES IN IT. I AM AN INSECT AMONG GODS, NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT. I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE MISSED MY DOSES FOR SO LONG SO SOON AFTER HAVING MY DOSAGE DRAMATICALLY INCREASED. GET OFF MY LAWN.

I've never liked Unskippable. Their constant advertising on The Escapist just seems like they're trying to bum some popularity off Zero Punctuation while still saying "no we're an obscure indie hit", their voice work is technically lacking and the technical skills are better than the comedy, and they put bits of their work as ads on the ends of Zero Punctuation reviews, thus making them - well, unskippable cutscenes, really. I've only watched these last abominations, but I feel content to judge regardless; there are enough dick moves in there to bias me against the thing from point one, and surely the trailers must be putting their best foot forward, right?

Looking at the Zero Punctuation review for Spiderman: Web of Shadows (and he is always better when he's doing things just because he wants to; I dearly hope that The Escapist is putting him on a very very long lead, with just enough oversight to make sure he doesn't decide "fuck it" and go kill himself on too much cocaine), I saw down the bottom that their current objet d'mock is Digital Devil Saga.

...Yes, and Christopher Paolini once implied that one day J.K. Rowling might be as good as he is, and Uwe Boll insulted the talent of all his betters (that is, everyone) in the cinematic field. But you don't alter reality by your presence, Unskippable. Digital Devil Saga has scenes later on like Heat's little smile as his glyph starts involuntarily transforming him, the Big Reveal where Serph suddenly starts talking in Yuri Loewenthal's voice, and the Chuck-A-Scientist scene in the Karma Temple. You have a really bad attempt to imitate a helicopter pilot. You're done. It's over. You're just throwing good dignity after bad now - or at least moderately usable dignity after bad.

(For public record: I know. Presumably some people like it; at least the makers. I'm not the final arbiter of whether things are good or not. I can't pass judgement with the power of an omnipotent deity. Nevertheless, fuck that show, man.)

The rules of this music meme are as follows: comment on the post of someone who's already done the music meme, requesting a letter. Then lose your glasses and spend a while looking for them while performing the other steps. Scour your music library for songs whose title starts with the letter you are given. Select, at great personal pain, a list of more than 5 and less than some ridiculous number. Find your glasses. Upload. Give pithy explanations. Share with the world. After that, you can request another letter from someone else, and other people will request letters from you, and the music spreads through the Internet until finally it acheives Skynet-like sentience and destroys us all.

squeemu gave me C. Turns out I have 63 or more songs whose titles begin with C, many of which I have not listened to. And I just remembered another folder that has music in it but IT WAS HARD ENOUGH PARING THIS LIST DOWN TO FIFTEEN I WILL NOT TURN BACK NOW THERE AIN'T NO STOPPIN' THIS TRAIN WE'RE ON.

( NOT EVER )

thorne_scratch: You're not helping my plans to engineer a monkey man.
kadrin: I'm not saying I approve. Tell me to destroy capitalism and I will.
thorne_scratch: You could just give me ten thousand dollars.
kadrin: No, I couldn't.
thorne_scratch: Okay, five thousand.
kadrin: I could lend you bus fare, but I'll need it back by the end of the week.
thorne_scratch: You are like, no help.
kadrin: You can also have anything you like from the kitchen.
thorne_scratch: Can I have three popsicles?
kadrin: You can have three popsicles.
thorne_scratch: I would also like a whole roast pig.
kadrin: We don't have a whole pig in the kitchen, but we do have some pork. You'll have to roast it yourself.
thorne_scratch: Man, I'd really just rather have the ten thousand dollars.
kadrin: We do not have ten thousand dollars in the kitchen, roasted or unroasted.
thorne_scratch: WHAT GOOD ARE YOU.
kadrin: I CAN PERFORM AMUSING DANCES.
thorne_scratch: THEN WHY AREN'T YOU DANCING NOW?
kadrin: BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY DANCING, YOU ONLY WANT TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.
thorne_scratch: I NEVER IMPLIED OTHERWISE.
kadrin: YOU IMPLODED OTHERWISE.
thorne_scratch: YOU'RE GAY FOR ROLAND.
kadrin: ROLAND'S GAY FOR MOLEMAN.
thorne_scratch: STEPHEN KING WILL KILL YOU ALL.
kadrin: LIKE I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT FROM A BUSLOAD OF DUTCH NUNS BEFORE.
thorne_scratch: ...TELL THE NUNS THEY CAN'T STOP HERE, THIS IS BAT COUNTRY.
kadrin: I TRIED, BUT THEY SIMPLY INFORMED ME THAT YOUR MOTHER IS BAT COUNTRY.
thorne_scratch: TELL IT TO YOUR ISLAMIC SANDWICH.
kadrin: VERY FEW SANDWICHES ARE ISLAMIC.
thorne_scratch: THAT ONE WAS.
kadrin: ACTUALLY, THAT WAS JUST A RIGHT-WING SMEAR INTENDED TO PREVENT MY SANDWICH FROM BECOMING PRESIDENT.
thorne_scratch: ...I THINK I HAVE SANDWICHED ON THE TOPIC.